Some Story's From Napalm&Silly Putty

It's Not A Sport

To my way of thinking, there are really only three sports:baseball, basketball and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.

HOCKEY:comes to mind.People think hockey is a sport.It's not, hockey is three activities taking place at the same time:ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody. If theses guys had more brains than teeth, they'd do these things one at a time.First you go ice skating, then you fool around with a puck, then go to bar and beat the shit out of somebody.The day would last longer, and these guys would have a whole lot more fun. Another reason hockey is not a sport is that it's not played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can't be a sport.These are my rules, I make 'em up.

SOCCER: Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms.Anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport.Tap dancing isn't a sport.I rest my case.

RUNNING: People think running is a sport.Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport.I can run, you can run.For Chrissakes, my mother can run! You don't see herSports Illustrated, do you?

SWIMMING: Swimming isn't a sport.Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.That's just common sense.

SAILING: isn't a sport.Sailing is a way to get somewhere.Riding the bus isn't a sport,why the fuck should sailing be a sport?

BOXING: is not a sport either.Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody.In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated form of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport.When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine,then boxing can be a sport.

BOWLING: Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent the shoes. Dont forget, these are my rules.I make'em up.

BILLARDS: Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because there's no chance for serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in tough neighborhood.Then,if you wind up with a pool cue stickin' out of your ass, you know you might just be the victim of sports-related injury. But that ain't billiards, that's pool, and that starts with P, and that's rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.

DARTS:could have been a sport, because at least there's a chance to put someones eye out.But,alas,darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.

LACROSSEis not a sport;lacrosse is a faggoty college activity.I don't care how rough it is, anytime you're running around a field, waving a stick with little net on the end of it, you're engaged in a faggoty college activity.Period.

FIELD HOCKEY AND FENCING: Same thing. Faggoty college shit,.Also, theses activities aren't sports, because you can't gamble on them. Anything you can't gamble on can't be a sport.When was the last time you made fuckin' fencing bet?

GYMNASTICS: is not a sport because Romanians are good at it.It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.

POLO: isn't a sport.Polo is golf on horseback.Without the holes.It's a great concept, but it's not a sport.And as far as water polo is concerned,I hesitate to even mention it, because it's extremely cruel to the horses.

Which brings me to HUNTING.You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends.And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.

Then you haveTENNIS. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it's not a sport. It's just a way to meet other trendy fruits.Technically, tennis is an advanced form of Ping-Pong.In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table.Great concept, not a sport.

In fact, all racket games are nothing more than derivatives of Ping-Pong.EvenVOLLEYBALL is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with inflated ball and raised net while standing on a table.

And finally we come to GOLF.For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the book, but let me just be said golf is a game that might possible be fun,if it could be played alone.But it's the various,striving superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime.And it is decidedly not a sport.Period.

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